insurance.

look.  i was recently taken to the emergency room in a big flashy ambulance, but that is a story for another post.  this post is about the lady i called at the insurance company to discuss the payment of the "services" i received at said emergency room.   here goes.

i have health insurance.  sure, it's nothing fancy, but heaven forbid i keep my sixty-five bucks a month in my own savings account to be used when i do get sick when i could be giving it to some giant company in order to have the privilege of carrying around a little paper card so that i am legal and then have to pay more money when i am sick.  fine.  whatever.

i *recently* moved, so my stuff is still in boxes... so i couldn't find my PACKET telling me of all the glorious benefits my sixty-five bucks a month was gaining me over at celtic insurance.  i have my insurance card, but nothing else.  i tried to log onto the website, but it doesn't think i'm a customer.  hmmm.... in order to sign on to the website you have to have some obscure password on the paper documents that they sent me years ago when i signed up for this 'insurance.'  look, if i had access to the paper stuff, i wouldn't need the online stuff.  also, i am trying to save the planet here, so you don't send me any paper anymore.  it's all online!  of course this was late at night (when all the best work gets done) so when i tried to call the CUSTOMER SERVICE HOTLINE, it was after business hours.

so i just called back this morning.  after explaining my situation to the representative, she informs me that she will send me a packet in the mail with my login information, as she cannot retrieve that information for me.  here is a direct quote from the celtic website...  "Call 1-800-477-7870 during business hours and a Client Service Representative can retrieve this information for you."  um.....  am i missing something here?

so, realizing the dead end that conversation had reached, i tried another tactic.  i asked her if she could just look up my benefits then, because really, that was all i was trying to do.  i just wanted to know what was covered regarding the e.r. and the ambulance.  to which she obliged (two points.)  (but don't get too attached to those points missy.)  turns out there is a $250 emergency room deductible, but if you are admitted, the deductible is waived.  hmmm...  okay.  here's where we turn directly to the conversation.

me:  "what does it mean to be admitted?"
representative:  (slightly louder)  "ADMITTED."
m:  "right, admitted.  what exactly does the insurance company understand as 'admitted?'"
r:  "were you admitted at the emergency room?"
m:  "well, i was taken there in an ambulance.  not by choice."
r:  "did they admit you?"
m:  "i was there for several hours, had my own room, and received treatment.  does that count as being admitted?"
r:  "did the HOS-PI-TAL AD-MIT you?"
m:  "i have a bill for the services i received while in the hospital.  i mean, that sounds like being admitted to me, but what say ye?"
r:  "were you there for more than twenty-four hours?"
m:  "no, just about three."
r:  "then you still have to pay the deductible."
m:  "um...."
r:  "if you are in the emergency room for less than twenty-four hours the stay does not qualify as being 'admitted' to the hospital."
m:  "fine.  that is all i was wondering."

glad we got to have that entire conversation about what "admitted" means.  that was really enriching to my life.  forty-five seconds i'll never get back.  and i suppose, twenty minutes spent blogging about it that i'll never get back.